Covid-19: How I'm Feeling Now

One thing my Mormon food storage lessons didn't teach me was to stock up on books. (I promise this is related to the title of this post.) I've depended so much on my local library in recent years that I haven't bought books in a long time. And, unfortunately, I didn't get as many books as I needed before the corona shutdown because, well, who expected it to be like this? I didn't. So at the start of the shutdown I was reading my then-checked out book (Becoming by Michelle Obama). But once I finished that, I was forced to go to my poorly-stocked bookshelf. I decided to reread some of my favorites, starting with Gone With the Wind.

Remember in GOTW when the war ends and Ashley Wilkes comes home? He's completely discombobulated by this new world. And worse than his discombobulation is the fact that he just can't figure out how to live in the post-war world. He's a fancy gentleman, bred for reading, sitting, and land owning. But this job description no longer exists during the reconstruction, and further, he doesn't want any other job and struggles to find his place. This is kind of how I feel. Not that I feel like a fancy lady not able to work. But rather, I really don't care of this existence. I want my old world back.

I want to go to work with thousands of people on a train and get angry at the slow walkers in Union Station. I want to send my boys to school and have a quiet house where my tasks are defined, and I have a list of all I should accomplish that day, which sometimes includes watching the latest Call the Midwife. I want to walk through a store with no mask, going up and down the aisles in any direction I want goshdarnit instead of getting angry at all the people not following the arrows. (WHY AREN'T THEY FOLLOWING THE ARROWS?!) I want to run with my girlfriends on Thursday nights instead of going to Jenny's backyard and sitting six feet apart, even if we dreadfully need that human interaction. I want to know that trips will happen. I want to know that my boys will see friends and family again.

So I'm angry a lot. I feel angry at our president, if for no other reason than I think he's an idiot. I feel angry when states start opening businesses when I don't think they should, and I feel angry at protesters. I feel angry at the grocery store when shelves are still empty. (I mean, don't the people know that Oliver only eats frozen hashbrowns for breakfast?! Who is still buying all of them now, seven weeks into our self-isolation?) I feel angry when I see Maryland's numbers are still increasing, which turns into feelings of hopelessness.

But still. We're healthy. Our family members are healthy. We have jobs and money and security. We even got our stimulus payment this week instead of August like I expected. But I can't help feeling afraid that, like Ashley, our world is forever changed, and not for the better.