When the third trial of Clomid resulted in a positive pregnancy test, I was nervous from the beginning. For some reason, whenever I spoke of it (with all of the three people who knew) it was always with the caveat of, "If this takes..." or something similar.
I went in at seven weeks pregnant for a confirmation ultrasound. The tech's face gave it away immediately: she was nervous about something. Baby's heartbeat was slow and it was measuring much smaller than it should be. There was also a large subchorionic bleed and so the doctor advised me to take it easy (no running) and come back in one week for another ultrasound. And yet, I wasn't that surprised. When I returned the following week, the fetus had no heartbeat. A D and C was scheduled for the next day. You better believe I took one angry run that evening.
Of course I was devastated by the miscarriage, but I really wasn't surprised. The worst part about it was that it felt like such a setback. You see, I didn't really want to be pregnant, nor did I want to have a newborn. Rather, I wanted a 2-year-old. Rhett was in my then-favorite age and that's what I wanted. No sleepness nights, no helpless babies. I wanted a communicative, funny, obedient, happy child. The miscarriage cost me three months of trying, two months of pregnancy, and three months of not trying; I was then eight months behind where I wanted to be. It was just so frustrating.
I guess I can look back and be thankful that I had such a premonition because it didn't let me get too excited nor too attached. Why do I think I had this feeling? Who knows. I had been praying so hard for pregnancy, like many of you have, I'm sure, and I wanted it so badly. But when I actually got pregnant, all I could think about was the story of Joseph Smith and Martin Harris and the lost pages of the Book of Mormon. You know, where Joseph continued asking for something he really wanted, was finally granted that thing, but then...devastation. I just felt like the Lord gaveth and then tooketh away. And that was the hardest part of it all.
Chapter 4 tomorrow...
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i can only imagine what a frustrating time that was for you. sorry. :(
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry...miscarriages stink! And I felt the same as you when I had my first. I felt so blessed that I was finally able to conceive (after MUCH prayer) and we were so excited. Then we totally switched gears and was completely devastated.
ReplyDeleteIt is sometimes hard to see the blessing at the time, but you're right that your premonition probably prepared you to be better able to emotionally cope with the loss.
I've often told myself that after years of not being able to conceive that I was grateful to have a child, then two children and that was it. I didn't want to deal with more infertility, more miscarriages, enough was enough. I know it is not true for everyone, but it has become easier to conceive and even know when I may miscarry as I become better acquainted with my body. I don't know how I made it nearly 30 years without understanding how my body works, but these trials certainly opened my eyes and empowered me to be somewhat in control...He does, however, have ultimate control :)